How Tottenham's Masters Football Team Would Look in 2020
By Sean Walsh
Arenas with around 5,000 seats, a blue carpet, loads of middle-aged men fighting it out for a championship worth little to nothing in monetary value - oh yeah, Masters Football was the good stuff.
For those who don't know what we're on about, first of all shame on you. How dare you. Have a good, long look in the mirror.
Secondly, Masters Football was an annual nationwide six-a-side tournament played by ex-pros. It was so much fun.
The return of Masters Football was sought by the masses long before the coronavirus pandemic, but while we're all at home craving a sporting fix, we thought it'd be nice to imagine what modern day versions would look like.
We kick off the series by looking at Tottenham, a club with some players down the years who already had two left feet and were so overweight when they were playing that they probably qualified to play during the original Masters Football run.
Speaking of which, to narrow the selection pools, the following restrictions have been made regarding player eligibility:
Only players aged 35 or over are eligible, and they must not be currently playing, coaching, managing or have any other role at a club that isn’t only ambassadorial
Where possible, club legend games will be used narrow selection choices
If a player has health conditions that would prevent them from playing, then they will not be included
Right, let's get stuck in.
Paul Robinson (Goalkeeper)
Age: 40
Years Spent at Tottenham: 2004-2008
Club Highlight: Lobbing Ben Foster from a hundred million yards.
Club Lowlight: Being so far off his line all the time that he conceded goal of the season contenders every game.
My mum always told me that Paul Robinson was so stocky because he only ever ate chip butties as a boy. Make of that what you will.
In all seriousness, Robbo was a great Spurs goalkeeper who also featured heavily during England's famed 'golden generation'. It's a shame that he always conceded a bazillion goals every season.
Stephen Carr (Defender)
Age: 43
Years Spent at Tottenham: 1993-2004
Club Highlight: Winning the League Cup in 1999.
Club Lowlight: Forcing a move to Newcastle as a sign of ambition, only for Spurs to finish above them in every single season since.
Stephen Carr is the only right-back to ever win Spurs' Player of the Year award. Good for him. He might also be the worst player to ever win Spurs' Player of the Year award.
Despite largely appearing in some of Tottenham's worst seasons, the former Republic of Ireland international managed to appear in the Premier League Team of the Season twice following the turn of the century. That's all we have in our gigantic folder about one Stephen Carr.
Anthony Gardner (Defender)
Age: 39
Years Spent at Tottenham: 2000-2008
Club Highlight: Somehow managed to earn an England cap in 2004.
Club Lowlight: Each of his 144 appearances for Spurs.
It's an absolute miracle that Anthony Derek Gardner managed to earn an England cap at a time when they seemed to be stacked in talent all over the pitch.
Most of the candidates to play in defence for this Masters Football side are either ineligible or too old, so Gardner gets the nod. We'll get to a certain someone in a bit.
Rafael van der Vaart (Midfielder)
Age: 37
Years Spent at Tottenham: 2010-2012
Club Highlight: Champions League goal against Inter.
Club Lowlight: The 60th minute of every game, at which point he would be substituted.
From a player lacking in talent to one bursting at the seams of it (literally, have you seen him nowadays?), Rafael van der Vaart remains Tottenham's only A-list signing of the 21st century, despite the steps forward they've made.
With two full seasons in which he registered double figures of goals, racked up assists and shushed Arsenal fans, he goes down as one of White Hart Lane's favourite immortals.
David Ginola (Winger)
Age: 53
Years Spent at Tottenham: 1997-2000
Club Highlight: Winning the PFA Player of the Year and FWA Footballer of the Year in the same season that Manchester United won the treble while Spurs finished 11th.
Club Lowlight: Joining and subjecting himself to such nonsense.
Why was David Ginola ever at Tottenham? Why was David Ginola ever at Tottenham when Arsene Wenger had just pitched up the Francophone tent across north London? Why was David Ginola ever at Tottenham when they were so stinking bad?
Don't know, don't care, but he's coming back for Masters Football.
Dimitar Berbatov (Striker)
Age: 39
Years Spent at Tottenham: 2006-2008
Club Highlight: Scoring in the 2008 League Cup final win.
Club Lowlight: His heartbreaking exit.
Masters Football rules state that one player must be in the opposition half at any time, and that suits Dimitar Berbatov just fine.
He'll have a fight on his hands with Ginola to be the coolest bloke on this Spurs team, however.
Substitutes
Ledley King (Defender)
Age: 39
Years Spent at Tottenham: 1999-2012
Club Highlight: Essentially dedicating his life to the club.
Club Lowlight: His limited playing time because he literally has no knee cartilage.
The King of the Lane only features as a sub because, even now, he still wouldn't be able to play a whole game, no matter what length it is.
Miles better than Gardner no question, but we don't what him to lose his legs.
Darren Anderton (Midfielder)
Age: 48
Years Spent at Tottenham: 1992-2004
Club Highlight: Consistently proving to be one of the club's most talented players ever.
Club Lowlight: Consistently finding himself on the treatment table.
You see the testament we just gave to King? Rinse and repeat for Darren Anderton. Godspeed.
Peter Crouch (Striker)
Age: 39
Years Spent at Tottenham: 1998-2000, 2009-2011
Club Highlight: Scoring a number of big game goals, including a winner at Milan.
Club Lowlight: Being an awful, awful striker.
Robbie Keane and Jermain Defoe are ineligible, but thankfully Peter Crouch's availability saves Spurs from having to give Darren Bent a call.
The Toby Cudworth Honourable Mentions™: Erik Thorstvedt, Paul Stalteri, Pascal Chimbonda, Chris Perry, Gary Docherty, Lee Young-pyo, Teemu Tainio, Jermaine Jenas, Chris Armstrong