Every Premier League club's Christmas wish
By Henry Burt
It's that magical time again, the time we look forward to all year long. That's right: the baffling, back-breakingly intense Premier League Christmas schedule is here!
While most clubs in the league would probably just love a break over the festive period, we thought we'd make things interesting and identify a unique Christmas wish for every club in the top flight.
Let's see what Santa might be bringing this year.
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1. Arsenal
An easy one to start off with. More than anything else, Arsenal will be wishing for Gabriel Jesus to make a speedy recovery from injury after the Brazilian was ruled out until February with a knee injury suffered at the World Cup.
Jesus has revitalised Arsenal's attack this season and his absence has the potential to derail the Gunners' season. Even getting him back a couple of weeks early could make all the difference.
2. Aston Villa
When most of us get a present we don't really want, we give it to a friend or donate it to charity. Unfortunately, you can't really take either of those routes with a Premier League footballer on £125,000-per-week.
Things are looking up for Aston Villa since the arrival of new manager Unai Emery, but Philippe Coutinho represents an expensive mistake that needs to be rectified. If they can get him off their wage bill before the transfer window opens, it could be massive for their season.
3. Bournemouth
Bournemouth have been doing okay since sacking Scott 'Mr Optimism' Parker and will fancy their chances of beating the drop this season. With things looking up for the Cherries, the only thing we can think they might want for Christmas is a better stadium.
There's no nice way of saying this: the Vitality Stadium is pathetic. Its 11,000 capacity is better suited to League One than the Premier League and the place is falling to bits. Could Santa leave a building permit from the council under the tree please?
4. Brentford
No prizes for guessing this one. Brentford's one Christmas wish, written in red ink and highlighted so nobody misses it, is for Ivan Toney to not be banned from football for a million years.
Toney is currently awaiting the outcome of an investigation into alleged betting offences committed over a number of years, with another 30 charges added just this week (that's 262 in total, but who's counting). If he does get banned, Brentford will be without their main goal threat - and with the number of charges against him (two hundred and sixty two), it could be a long ban indeed.
5. Brighton
After the year Brighton have had, we reckon their main Christmas wish will be for Chelsea Football Club to be liquidated.
In 2022, Chelsea poached Brighton's manager, their player of the season and multiple members of their staff (both backroom and upstairs). If Santa delivers, they might be able to get Chelsea banished from football in time to stop them making their inevitable bid for Alexis Mac Allister.
6. Chelsea
The 2022/23 campaign has been a mixed bag for Chelsea so far. While this is typically a demanding club that aims for the best, this year the fans might just be happy if Father Christmas blesses them with some consistency.
It's natural for any club to suffer from teething problems under a new manager, and Todd Boehly seems happy to pump money into the club to make Graham Potter's job easier. Things will probably settle down for the new manager sooner or later, but he'll be hoping they do before it costs him his job.
7. Crystal Palace
After a shaky start, Crystal Palace are settling into their second season under Patrick Vieira and currently sit in 11th place in the Premier League table. The next thing they need if they wish to climb the table is more goals.
Odsonne Edouard and Jean-Philippe Mateta have struggled to show any consistency in front of goal since arriving at Selhurst Park, and Wilfried Zaha can't do it all by himself. Palace have a young, promising squad who will be desperate to take the next step up - but they need a reliable goalscorer in order to achieve this.
8. Everton
If I was an Everton fan, I think I'd really just want the pain to end. But Santa can't perform miracles, so instead maybe I'd just ask him to erase the last six years from existence.
Imagine it: A time before Farhad Moshiri. A time when European football still seemed like a possibility and not a pipe dream.
I've made myself sad writing this, and I'm not even an Everton fan. Let's move on.
9. Fulham
Unlike most of these wishes, Fulham's actually seems relatively likely to come true - touch wood. After the turbulent few years they've had, Fulham's Christmas wish will surely just be a second season in the Premier League.
Since 2018, Fulham and Norwich have garnered reputations for being two of the most notorious yo-yo clubs in history, passing each other like ships in the night as they keep taking each other's place in the top flight. Judging by their form this season, that run might be about to come to an end.
10. Leeds United
Leeds are, without a doubt, the most frustrating side in the Premier League. They are an inherently likeable club and team, and Jesse Marsch seems like a top bloke. But my word are they inconsistent.
While Marsch's tactics do seem to lend themselves to chaos and instability, Leeds would probably win more games if they had a number nine to consistently bang in the goals. Patrick Bamford's persistent injury problems have ruled him out, so top of the club's Christmas list this year should be a reliable goalscorer. Should be easy enough, right?
11. Leicester City
This is another easy one. Top of Leicester's Christmas wishlist will almost certainly be a new contract for James Maddison.
Hey, we never said the list would be realistic.
The former Norwich playmaker has been one of the best players outside the top 6 over the last couple of seasons, racking up 19 goals and 12 assists since last August. His current deal expires in 2024, meaning he is likely to leave the Foxes in the summer unless they tie him down to a new contract.
12. Liverpool
Liverpool and their supporters haven't exactly been keeping their list quiet. If they could get one thing from Father Christmas, it would almost certainly be Jude Bellingham.
Still only 19, the Borussia Dortmund midfielder bossed it for England at the World Cup and would inject some much-needed youth and industry into an ageing Liverpool midfield.
He'd cost a pretty penny, but he has the potential to breathe new life into a Reds side that has looked a little creaky this season.
13. Manchester City
What do you get for the team that has everything? City's embarrassment of riches and superb management on and off the pitch means they don't need much this Christmas - but if Santa could somehow ensure Erling Haaland doesn't get injured for the rest of the season, that'd be great.
The 22-year-old Norwegian has been an absolute monster for Pep Guardiola's side, banging in the goals and breaking records left, right and centre. However, he has been susceptible to injuries throughout his career to date and City fans will be desperate to see this improve as he gets older.
With Arsenal pushing City all the way for the league title so far, Guardiola needs to be able to rely on Haaland as often as possible.
14. Manchester United
Christmas came early for Manchester United when they managed to sever ties with the £500,000 per week inconvenience that was Cristiano Ronaldo back in November.
The Red Devils have made a solid start to life under the management of Erik ten Hag, but what would really put the cherry on top of this festive period would probably be a new striker.
The club want to bring PSV's Cody Gakpo to Old Trafford. The Dutchman is not a traditional striker by any means, but his record of goal contributions is not to be sniffed at and could propel United firmly into the race for the top four.
15. Newcastle United
Like Man City, it's hard to know what Newcastle could possibly want for Christmas.
2022 was the best year the Magpies have had in decades, joining the ranks of the super-rich and ending the year well and truly in the hunt for Champions League football next season.
The club is still a work in progress though, with the new owners making up for years of under-investment. If Eddie Howe and company could have anything for Christmas, it would most likely be better squad depth to see them through to the end of the season. Call me crazy, but I have a feeling they might end up getting exactly that.
16. Nottingham Forest
Nottingham Forest's long-awaited return to the Premier League was a dream come true, but that dream quickly gave way to harsh reality as the Reds found themselves plunged into the relegation battle almost immediately.
Their form was beginning to pick up before the World Cup, and they have enough decent players for survival to be a possibility. Ask any Forest fan what they'd like for Christmas, and they're almost guaranteed to give you the same answer: their team staying in the Premier League.
17. Southampton
Apologies for the repetition, but much like Forest, Southampton's Christmas wish will most likely be Premier League survival.
The Saints took a gamble in the summer, bringing in an assortment of relatively unproven young players in an attempt to re-energise their squad. They've looked good at times, but the results haven't been good enough and ultimately cost manager Ralph Hassenhuttl his job.
These players have the potential to do great things if Southampton can keep them at the club - but for now, simply avoiding relegation would be wonderful.
18. Tottenham Hotspur
However you think Spurs can improve in the years to come, one issue looms over all with this club: the future of Harry Kane.
Kane is a club legend and is likely to become Spurs' all-time record goalscorer in a matter of weeks, but last year's transfer saga showed that he is willing to put personal ambition ahead of his love for the club.
Having missed a penalty to send England out of the World Cup, another chance for Kane to win the first trophy of his career has passed him by and he will be aware time is running out. If Spurs can convince Kane to sign a new contract and give everything to win that trophy at Spurs, it'll be a Christmas miracle for the ages.
19. West Ham United
Despite a pretty impressive spending spree back in the summer, it's been a hugely disappointing season for West Ham thus far. How they improve is anyone's guess, but they'd probably be very grateful if Santa could deliver them some better results.
Having made it to the semi-finals of the Europa League last season, the Hammers now look unlikely to qualify for Europe at all this time around. A bottom-half finish would spell trouble for David Moyes, and for the club's chances of holding onto their big-name stars such as Declan Rice and Jarrod Bowen.
20. Wolverhampton Wanderers
Finishing the way we started with an easy one, it's pretty obvious that Wolves want goals for Christmas more than anything else.
The club have scored just eight goals in their fifteen league matches this season, leaving them rooted to the bottom of the table and costing manager Bruno Lage his job.
With Julen Lopetegui set to take charge of his first match away at Everton on Boxing Day, Wolves fans will be desperate to see an uptick in their attacking form before it's too late.